By Hon. Rene Gutierrez(Guest Author)
A breaking news from the National Inquirer reads: "Pres. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo resigned after a text message circulated earlier was labeled a hoax.." This has prompted the Supreme Court of the Philippines and Congress to declare the position of President vacant.
The position was first offered to the Pope who declined because he had earlier relinquished his Filipino citizenship due to poor health. (Thank God, the Pope had good reason to turn down the offer! Otherwise, we will have a constitutional crisis.. Why? Can you imagine a President without a First Lady had the Pope accepted it?? Hehehe.. Mau)
Sources from the Holy See earlier announced that the position was later offered to three non-TRAPO residents of Pikit Cotabato (Where the action is!) namely: Mau Only, CAT Only and RG Only. These three personages are not related to each other even if they have the same surnames.
Mau is one of Pikit's tall, dark and handsome special adviser to Sultan Sumulong, one of the country's remaining sultanates. It is rumored that the Sultan is kept advised by Mau to keep the sultan's secret that he has 28 wives all of them with same names! (Is it true that the Sultan is also in a relationship with a pain killer named Ben Gay???).
Cat on the other hand, famous as the rightful princess and heir to the late Sultan Meliton of the Haunted House, is a plain and simple princess, dainty and demure, and traces her roots from the great, great family of feline origin.
Last but not the least, the position might as well be offered to a non-Sultan. RG, a panelist for the rebels which call themselves the MILF (Mindanao Insurgent Leftover Farts)."
More breaking news..... while I was typing this it was learned that Mau, who would have accepted the position, was declared disqualified due to extreme poginess! Because of his disqualification and by the doctrine of "persona non grata and res ipsa loquitor... and caveat emptor", RG considered himself also disqualified for the reason that he, too, is in the sorry state of extreme poginess.!
This would have left the position for Cat to grab. Howevver, it was rumored that CAT will accept the position if she finds 3,000 pairs of shoes of the same size as his father which is 14 EEE.
Time however is running out because this offer is good only until midnight tonight. Otherwise the Philippine President will be constrained to hold on to her position as president of this 8,000 islands (during low tide).
She is scheduled to address the UN Assembly tonight. Downey, the executive secretary of the resigning President is already in New York with 24 volumes of first edition of the Encyclopedia Filipiniana. The books will be laid at the base of the rostrum to help the President reach the microphone on the hall where the UN assembly will be in Session.
Mau was prompt to give his stand (though lying down) in not being able to grab the vacant position of President first offered to him. He wrote:
"It was almost a dream come true had I not slept into limbo and woke up at about 7:00 a.m. today. I had real regrets when I learned that the Presidential post was vacant until midnight only last night. If I can turn back the hands of time, I won't entertain second thoughts to acept the position. This could have been, you know, the shortest cut to our dream of becoming President someday."
"Ms. Arroyo should better not commit the mistake of making another offer for I would surely grab it. We can still amass great fortune in more or less two years that we are in power. What are Presidents for (esp. in the Phil.)"
Meantime, CAT, the famous feline princess, cannot be reached for comment. She was stuck in an area where her mobile phone was out of coverage area, and so, she cannot be reached or there is no way for her to become rich. Poor big girl!!
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